The Screwed-Up Story
by redwall-harsqurel
Summary: THE MAGGOTS!!! BLOODSUCKING MOLES!!! BARNEY ON FIRE!!! OH THE HORRORS!!! Read this screwy story to find out about these strange phenomenons... R&R or they'll get you!!! Ummm... please?
1. Mallets, Chickens, and Flaming Barneys

All characters are copyrighted to the right of redwall-hare and redwall- squirrel. (c)2002  
  
Chapter 1  
  
Mallets, Chickens, and Flaming Barneys  
  
Tipol: Ladiladila... Hey Hurdor, let's go sit down on that bench that's being occupied by someone.  
  
Hurdor: But, isn't that someone else's bench. 'tis rude.  
  
Tipol: Hurdor hurdor hurdor, this is life! Life is a cruel game that we must play. Kinda like Survivor.  
  
Hurdor: What's that have to do by sitting down on someone else's bench.  
  
Tipol: I don't know! All this philosophy is confusing my brain! Ahhhhh!  
  
Hurdor: Um. Okay. How do we get the person off? Or is it an animal? Can't see. I need a prescription glasses.  
  
Tipol: Uh. Pretty sure it's an animal. Anyhow, I'll scare it with my wacky antics.  
  
Hurdor: Okay...  
  
Tipol: *walks over to the bench* Hiya! Whazzzzup? *woofs like a dog and chases his tail*  
  
Lime: YAHHHHHHHH!!! IT'S A RABBIT! OH MY GOSH, GET IT AWAY FROM ME! I HAVEN'T GOT MY LAST SHOT YET FROM THAT OTHER RABIS RABBIT BITE! *falls off bench*  
  
Tipol: Eh. Wait -- I forgot. *turns to Hurdor* You know me better than I know myself. Do i still have rabies?  
  
Hurdor: Yes.  
  
Tipol: Heh heh. Okay, thingyajig, can we sit there? But, you'll take the risk of getting rabies... So if you MOVE, then you won't have ANY risk at all.  
  
Lime: Umm...  
  
Tipol: JUST MOVE DANGIT!  
  
Hurdor: *pulls out horse tranquilizers* *stuffs one into tipol's mouth* You forgot to eat one this morning.  
  
Lime: *on ground* I'm already off the bench, you rabid rabbit. Your talking dog needs prescription glasses... and 'm not a thingyajig. *gets indignant* I'm a bally little bush-tail! A squirrel!  
  
Tipol: Ohhh I get it now! I was wondering what kind of animal you were! *squints, trying to get a closer look*  
  
Lime: *gets angry* Really? Who would miss a tail like THIS?! I don't think I know any type of animal that has a tail similar to this but squirrels. What's your name?  
  
Tipol: Me name's Tipol, matey! And, I personally think that your tail sorta looks like a badger's, doncha know!  
  
Lime: ...  
  
Tipol: .  
  
Lime: .  
  
Hurdor: .  
  
Lime: .  
  
Tipol: *. I wonder what would happen if I poked that weird squirrel's tail? Hah hah, I bet he'd get mad. Or is it a she? Can't tell...*  
  
Lime: . *Such a long silence... I wonder what that weird rabbit it thinking...* Ummmm... well, my name is Lime, Tipol. Who's the dog?  
  
Tipol: *Wowie, Lime is stupider than i thought! He thinks that Hurdor is the one that acted like a dog! Well, at least we know that there's someone else who needs prescription glasses... Heh...* ... Lime? Where'd you get that ever so interesting name? That's so cool! I wonder if I'd be the same HARE, not RABBIT, if I had a fruit for a name...  
  
Hurdor: *whispers* I think he reads minds. Watch out. It's an odd trait. *casts Tipol a suspicious glance*  
  
Lime: Riiiiiiight.... if he has mind-reading powers, I have telekinetic powers...  
  
Hurdor: Oh cool! *gets excited*  
  
Tipol: *whispers* Hurdor's gullible, but don't take advantage of that.  
  
It'll be a... sad ending.  
  
Lime: .  
  
Hurdor: . *moans* Not this again. *sighs* Oh well... it's the new fad.  
  
Lime: Fine then. I'll break the silence. La la la.. Anyway, what are you two doing here?  
  
Tipol: i just realized something. i just searched through my head and was reading a biography about you and... it said you were pretty. Well, cuz I'm near blindness I will trust that. So everyone pretend me and hurdor knew that already. Our own little secret. *wink*  
  
Lime: *pout* Hey, you didn't answer my question. *scratches head* What are you talking about? I... don't... have... a biography... Actually, some beasts tell me what they think of me and I write it in my diary... These days, I seem to have lost that diary... *stares suspiciously at Tipol and Hurdor* Have you seen it? I have a LOT of secrets in there... like who I like, a LOT of embarrassing moments, and other beasts' secrets.... Have you seen my diary? It has the name LIME TREESOAR stamped in the very center of the cover.  
  
Tipol: Oh you mean this? *pulls out diary with lime treesoar stamped on it* Heh heh.. and um, I spilled some water over it. actually, it was ice. i was sucking on it and some of the water fell on it. *grins*  
  
Lime: ... *gapes* MY DIARY!!! *snatches diary* Ewww... I'd hug my diary if it wasn't so wet; Wait a sec, you spilled ICE on it?! Oh well; ohmigosh, you found it!! Thank you thank you thank you thank you!!! *bows repeatedly at Hurdor and Tipol* I am your slave for life! *stops bowing* Wait... *looks at Hurdor and Tipol* YOU TWO HAVE BEEN READING IT, HAVENT YOU?! That means you know I like... I like... I LOVE *sighs contentedly* Torak *hearts* ...*snaps out of it* and you know that Lily has a crush on Durran! And Orion's mother is really Sister Precile!!! Well... not really mother... more of.. Auntie! And Fellehdoran is actually my little brother, who will soon become my son when I wed *sighs contentedly* Torak...*hearts* *snaps out of it* That's weird!! Hold on... *reads over the script* nevermind, he's not my brother... Heh heh... And wait! I'm actually supposed to fall in love with a squirrel named... *looks in Dictionary of Many Things, names section* Ooo... hold on, what the heck is PINK? I don't think it has been invented yet.. Oh yeah, the name is... *dramatic music* Rosanna?! *music scratches* That's a GIRL name! I know I'm going to fall in love with a male... Well, I'm going to change it.. It's actually... *dramatic music* Trahern, a Celtic name meaning, "with strength of steel'"!!! Ooo... Cute. And you've read the script to Dibbun's Capture too! Haven't you?! All is lost! My life and the authors' life is over!!! SOMEBEAST KNOWS!!! *sob* Hey, wait a minute... *looks at diary closely* The lock hasn't been opened...  
  
Tipol: *grins insanely* Thanks for telling us all that information, missie.  
  
Hurdor: Hurr hurr, don' ee frut noaw, we won't tell h'a single sowl!  
  
Tipol: *already holding up froghorn, ready to tell the world everything that was written in lime's diary*  
  
Hurdor: Wait. How can he be ur son if he's ur brother...?  
  
Lime: What, in Mossflower woods, is a FROGHORN?! *looks at Tipol* You're a meanie if you don't put that froghorn down.*glare* *stops glaring* Hey, wait a sec... *thinks hard, counting with her paw* if I just told you about what an INFREQUENT amount of the... confidential affairs in my diary were about, then why does it say, 'ready to tell the world everything that was written in Lime's diary' when I just told you a LITTLE bit of it? SNOOPS!!! You've read it!!! *glares* Quote: 'Thanks for telling us all that information, missie' End quote. *takes out Dictionary of Many Things, legal section* *takes out square spectacles, squinting* You are to be brought to court for malandrinus(or however it is to be said), depending on your story!!! *takes off spectacles, pointing at Tipol, then Hurdor* In saying of that, you also were prevaricationing during this singly corroboration I had picked up! This provides sufficient amount of exemplification for the chimerical but palpable adduces attributable to the circumspectual assertions and perception! What do you say to that now, huh?! *laughs insanely, putting away Dictionary of Many Things* HA HA HA HA HA!!! I have apprehended conspicuous substantiation preprequisite expose that you duo are a just pair of spies!! I could sue you for handling lost and PRIVATE equipment. *grins maliciously, then frowns* But then... I would be partially responsible for the misplaced paraphernalia(s)... Hmm... what to do... I hate making choices...  
  
Tipol and Hurdor: *cowers*  
  
Lime: *watches tipol and hurdor* ...Huh? What'd I do?  
  
Hurdor: Hurr hurr. you's be gurtly scaryful when ee yells h'at us.  
  
Lime: ... Oh really? I'M scary? *gets indignant* Well, I certainly don't believe that; I'm as delicate as a flower composed of ice, and as gentle as a feather, you see. And I SURELY don't recall YELLING.  
  
Tipol and Hurdor: .  
  
Lime: Umm... okay. I'm going to... Salmandastron, I guess.... Oo ooo! Can I be your guys' travelin' buddy? PLEASE? Uhhh... I can be your lawyer! Ummm... But... none of my clients have won a case with me before... But I might win one soon! *grins cheesily*  
  
Tipol: Um. Ok! We're uh, ALSO going to Salathingy! Wow what a coincidence. ok, let's go then!  
  
Lime: Oh really? Wow! I get to travel with you! Do you want to meet my other traveling partners? We're all going to Salamandastron.This is Lily... *mousemaid appears*  
  
Lily: *blink* What the--? What am I doing here?  
  
Lime: This one's Durran.... *mouse appears*  
  
Durran: *looks around* .... Errrr.... Hello?  
  
Lime: And this one's... *sighs contentedly* Torak... *squirrel appears*  
  
Torak: *blink* Wasn't I... in Redwall..? Ermm... hi, Lime. Who are these two?  
  
Lime: *latches onto his arm* They're my other traveling partners.  
  
Durran: Bad Lime. *watches as Torak tries to rid of Lime off his arm* *turns to Tipol and Hurdor* Sorry, Lime has just eaten way too much sugar...  
  
Lily: *shakes head in pity* Poor little hyper squirrelmaid... I warned her that sugar was bad for someone as young as her...  
  
Lime: I'm just as old as you are! Humph! And you TOLD me to eat the sugar! You said that sugar would make me even sweeter and better at war if I ate that!  
  
Lily: *mutters* Heh heh... stupid guillible little girl... that's payback for losing my case in court! *laughs loudly & demonically* REVENGE IS THE ANSWER!!!  
  
All: .  
  
Hurdor: *has blank face pasted on* violence is not the answer... violence is not the answer... soon everyone has been sucked in to the chant  
  
All: Violence is not the answer... violence is not the answer...  
  
Lily: Violence is not the answer... violence is not the answer... Heh... REVENGE IS THE ANSWER!!! *is unaffected cuz she likes revenge better**looks around, listens to them chant* Hee hee hee hee.... *takes out rubber chicken* Hmmm... this is a BIG problem.... Hmmm... *takes out GIANT rubber chicken* Hee hee heee.... Durran first... Ha ha ha hah!!!! *smacks Durran with GIANT chicken* Heee... *smacks Tipol with GIANT chicken* Hee hee... GASP!!! A MOLE!! *takes out mallet* *smacks Hurdor with rubber mallet* Heeee.....! *smacks Torak with GIANT chicken* Hee heee!!! Hmmm.... *hesitantly raises GIANT chicken* Hmmm... Eh... *smacks Lime with GIANT chicken* Ha...!!! Whack-a-mole!!! The rubber chicken TRIUMPHS OVER ALLLLLLLL!!!! HEEEAA HAHHAHAHEEHHH!!!  
  
Hurdor: *is snapped out of trance* Ah! Oi's got ee chicken pox noaw!  
  
Tipol: AHhh! You have mad cow disease! He's a cannibal! Watch out everyone!  
  
Hurdor: No! Oi's a likkle maggot outens to h'eat lily fer makin ee game h'outa oi! *transforms into a maggot* *flys at lily's face and burrows into her skin* HAHAHAHA! I will eat ur liver and drink up ur blood!  
  
Tipol: Ack! He's a blood-sucking leech now  
  
Hurdor: Hurr hurr hurr! *slurp slurp* Noaw oi's growing big an' strong loik me ol' N'uncle! *wriggles out of lily's skin* Yurr rubber chicken won't troiumph h'over moi flamin' barney! *whacks lily with flaming barney* *whacks tipol with flaming barney* *whacks durran with flaming barney* *whacks torak with flaming barney* *whacks lime with flaming barney* *stops rampage to ponder* 'ow come h'everyone 'ere from lime's group h'are mousies?  
  
Tipol: *seizes chance to spray him with nail polish remover*  
  
Hurdor: Ahhhhhhh! *is blinded temporarily and transforms back into his regular species* Yu'll regret this, hurr aye! *uses maggot call* MAGAGAGAGAGAG! 


	2. Love Disputes

Chapter 2  
  
Love Disputes  
  
Lily: *Shudders in disgust* Ewewewewewew!!! EWWWWW!!! That was disgusting...! EEEEEEE!!!  
  
Flaming Barney: GIVE ME A HUG!!! I LOVE YOU... YOU LOVE ME.... etc  
  
Lime: *runs around, a flaming barney chasing her* EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Lily:*shudder* Ugghhhh... I don't feel so good.... HAH AHAH HAHH!!! You'll be the one who'll regret THIS, MOLE!!! Hee ahh ehahhhehahH!!!! *takes out rubber mallet* Ughh... I can't hurt you with this mallet.*hangs mallet and head down* I do not have the heart for it....  
  
All but Lime: .  
  
Lime: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!  
  
Lily: HA HA!!! I KNOW! *takes out GIANT rubber mallet* Hmmmmm... No... Not a mallet... *puts mallet away* THIS IS BETTER!! *takes out flyswatter* Oh dang it.... he's a mole now...  
  
Durran and Torak: ..... *goes to a log to sit on, eating popcorn*  
  
Lime: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?! HELP MEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Tipol and Hurdor: *joins Durran and Torak*  
  
Tipol: You go barney!  
  
Lime: *sob* WHAT KIND OF FRIENDS ARE YOU?! GET THIS BARNEY AWAY FROM ME!!!!  
  
Durran and Torak: Hmmmm... *thinks for a long time* Nope, sorry!  
  
Lime: YOU WILL ALL PAY! WHEN I GET THIS BARNEY TO STOP FOLLOWING ME!!! *thunder crashes*  
  
Lily: I wonder where the maggots are...?  
  
Hurdor: Hurr. Them's are h'all fat noaw, so ee 'as to wait fer ee while... oi tell h'em to drink slim faost, but they's never listen to oi!  
  
All: .  
  
Lily: What can kill maggots? Hmmmmmmmm....  
  
Lime: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!  
  
Lily: STUPID BARNEY!! DON'T YOU SEE I'M THINKING?! *trips barney, landing on the four that are at the log*  
  
Lime: HA HA HA HA!!! ALL WILL FEEL MY WRATH!!! *laughs insanely**thunder crashes*  
  
Lily: SHUTUP!!! *takes out her rubber chicken* Or you'll taste the power of my chicken!!!  
  
Lime: *immediately shuts up*  
  
Tipol: I wonder what rubber chickens taste like.  
  
Hurdor: ... anyways, u will all die from the attack of the maggots. *thunder crashes AND lightning flashes* Hah! I have more thunder and lightning power than u!  
  
Tipol: I once saw on a show about spiders. I think spiders can kill maggots.  
  
Hurdor: Not these special maggots, burr aye! They h'are a special breed, bred with flies.  
  
Tipol: Umm... so they can fly?  
  
Hurdor: Hoo yes!  
  
Tipol: *says to Barney* I'll pay you in cheetos to scare of the maggots... once they come.  
  
Barney: Love! Love! I need love!  
  
Tipol: Ahhh get away from me you... you freak of nature!  
  
Hurdor: *has blank expression on face* Calling people bad names is not the answer... calling people bad names is not the answer...  
  
soon everyone gets sucked in again, except for Barney who is singing a love song and Lily who is throwing popcorn at Barney  
  
Hurdor: *is snapped out of trance* The maggots are coming! The maggots are coming!!  
  
Lily: *throws more popcorn at barney* AAHHH!!! STUPID BARNEY!! No one can resist the taste of CHEETOS!! Agreeagreeagreeagree to the stupid deal!!! Oh yeah... the maggots! Hmmmmmm.... *thinks*  
  
Lime: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!! HOW COULD YOU HAVE MORE POWER THAN I?! *silence* Oh yeah.... *thunder crashes, fire blazes behind her, the ground opens a deep drevice* HEE HEE HEE!!! *rain starts, everyone's soaked* Oh dang it....  
  
Lily: I KNOW!!! *takes out GIANT flyswatter/maggotmasher* And just in case... *takes out GIANT flypaper/maggotsticker* HAAAAA!!!  
  
Torak: You know... the rain is going to make it unsticky soon...  
  
Lily: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! *glares at Lime*  
  
Flaming Barney: I'm melting... I'm melting.... *turns into a puddle of purple liquid*  
  
Durran: OH COOL!!! *pokes it with a stick*  
  
Tipol: Oo oo! Lemme poke it!  
  
everyone gathers around the puddle and starts poking it  
  
Lily: Where are the maggots? *holds flyswatter/maggotmasher close*  
  
Hurdor: Come, my minions!  
  
eerie song from anastatia plays: Come my minions fly ever faster!  
  
a herd of maggots come flying at everyone  
  
Tipol: Ah ah! Calm it down with cheetos! Calm it down with cheetos! *throws flaming hot cheetos at Hurdor's 'minions'*  
  
All: *look upwards* *whole ground is covered by a huge shadow*  
  
Tipol: *sobs* My baby! Where's my baby?  
  
Lime: *Latches onto Torak's arm* EEEEEP!!!  
  
Torak: *tries to rid of her again* HOW'D YOU GET SO STRONG?!  
  
Lime: The calcium in milk helps bones grow strong!  
  
Tipol: Oh help me, Torak! Save my baby! *holds onto Torak's arm like a leech**slyly sucks some of Torak's blood*  
  
Lime: NOOOOOOOO!! TORAK'S MINE NOT YOURS!!!  
  
Tipol: Heheheh! Not for long!  
  
Lime: *pulls Torak* HE'S MINEEE!!!  
  
Tipol: *chews on Lime's arm to make her let go*  
  
Minions: Hello? Why are we being ignored?  
  
Lime: *lets go of Torak* HOW DARE YOU?! I AM THE........... *dramatic music plays* QUEEN OF..... DICTIONARIES!!!  
  
All: .  
  
Tipol: Ah! Queen of Dictionaries? You are my enemy! *latches off of Torak's arm* Tie her to a stake and burn her! Witch witch witch!  
  
Lime: NEVER!!! HEE HAA HEEHA HHAAA!! I am also Princess of Fire! Hee heehahh hhehahaa!! I WILL BURN YOU ALL! EXTRA CRISPY!!!  
  
Tipol: Like pringles?  
  
Lime: ... Yes. Like PRINGLES!!! MWAA HA AHAAAAAAAA!!!  
  
Tipol: *uses Torak as shield* Lime! Do you really want to hurt Torak?! Do you?!!!  
  
Lime: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!! NOT TORAK!!! *silence* But you bit me on the arm! Tis a small price to be sacrificed. HAAAAH AAHAAAAAAA HAAA!!!  
  
Torak: Oh dang it....  
  
Tipol: Hurdor, it's time for... Flaming Barney! *dun dun dun!* Mweeheeheehee!  
  
Lime: ... Barney's still here? *forgets about killing Torak and Tipol*  
  
Hurdor: I can summon him back to life if you want...  
  
Lime: EVILLLLLLL!!! THE PUDDLE IS EEVVVILLLL!!! *Shoots fire at the barney puddle, evaporating him*  
  
Barney puddle: *faintly* I love you... you love me... we're all one happy family.....  
  
Torak: I'm sorry Lime. You've... changed. It's over, Lime. Over.  
  
Everyone except for Lime and Torak: *resume sitting on the log, watching as if a soap opera*  
  
Lime: *gasp* NOOOO!!! THIS CAN'T BE HAPPENING!!! *silence* I can always go back to Ira.....  
  
Torak: *twitches slightly* *in grave voice* Well Lime, if you feel that you truly love him, go ahead. *turns back to Lime, as silence follows*  
  
Lime: BYEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!  
  
Torak: *sobs slightly* Farewell, dear Lime!!  
  
Lime: BYEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!! HEe hee hee....  
  
Torak: I...I never wanted this to happen. But if you say so...  
  
Lime: ...  
  
Hurdor: *zaps Ira over to make it get interesting*  
  
Lime: STUPID LITTLE-- *zaps Ira away* KEEP HIM OUT OF THIS!!!  
  
Torak: *cloak appears on him as it swirls in the breeze to make it more dramatic* Lime, we... we can no longer see each other! We must go seperate ways! Well, unless you have an objection to make...  
  
Durran: My puddle....  
  
Minions: *flys off*  
  
Torak: Well, lime! What is your decision! *has glistening eyes that are wiggling just like in anime when they're sad*  
  
Lime: Hmmmmmm.... *thinks for a long time*  
  
Torak: *watches sullenly* Lime! Im sorry! Let me be with u again! Plz plz plz plz?! *all of a sudden his evil side is back*  
  
Torak: Why should i be begging?! Get... get away from me!  
  
Good Torak: No lime! Come back!  
  
Bad Torak: Goodbye Lime! It's over!  
  
Lime: *stares at Torak* ... Are you thinking I was serious? AND YOU ALWAYS TEASED ME!!! HEE HEE HEEE!! I was joking...  
  
Torak: Oh. I get it! And um, i was also kidding too. I mean puh-lease who could be THAT gullible?! Hahahaha.. ha... yeah.  
  
Lime: *glare* You better had been kidding, or else.... *evil eye*  
  
Torak: Hohoho! *laughs jovially like Santa* Of COURSE i was kidding! I thought YOU were the one who wasn't!  
  
Lime: ... It didn't look like you were kidding.  
  
Durran: I WANT MY PUDDLE!!  
  
Tipol: *tosses Durran a barnie stuffed toy* You can use that for prodding if you want.  
  
Hurdor: May i ask why you have a barnie stuffed toy?  
  
Tipol: *gazes innocently at Hurdor* Just in case i need to scare off robbers...  
  
Torak: Hohoho! Of course i was kidding! *thwacks Lime on the back heartily*  
  
Lime: OW!! That hurts....  
  
Durran: *pokes barney toy*  
  
Hurdor: Moi ould minion friendys h'are coming back!  
  
Minions: *grumbles* About time u noticed us! 


End file.
